Since I have opened up to our personal affairs lately I might as well keep it going. This post might seem a bit harsh but it is just my thoughts and my own experiance on last nights dinner appointment. I have been waiting for a phone call from the adoption agency for 52 hours. And it has seemed like 52 years. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Everytime someone asked about the yard sale or adoption I get that terrible lump in my chest that I have to keep down or I will start crying.

Yesterday, I got a phone call from Jasmines caseworker. I held my breath as she relayed information about Jasmine having a hard time here. She was missing her 4 year old daughter that she had left home. And she wanted to see Keegan. They wanted to know if we were able to meet for dinner. They felt this would help ease her stress. I said we would love to see Jasmine. After all, we might not get that chance while she is here if the agency chooses to say no to us. I couldn't help but wonder what kind of questions would come up with the adoption of this baby. So I asked the caseworker. She said that it won't be brought up. She just wants to see Keegan. In my mind I was wondering what they had told her. Did they tell her we were trying our hardest to get this baby? Did she realize we were only waiting to hear if the agency was willing to lower their costs so she could get her wish to have this baby in our home? This was going to be a very hard dinner appointment....

Ted had to work a bit overtime so he had to meet us in the Chilli's parking lot. As we walked in I smiled at Jasmine and the 2 caseworkers sitting with her at the table. I saw her look at Keegan and she had real pain in her eyes. She held it together and just stared at Keegan. I sat across from her and put Keegan in a highchair at the head of the table, between Jasmine and I. Daesha sat at the other side of me and Ted sat on the other side of Daesha. He basically was out of the loop. Which is fine because Jasmine didn't seem to like Ted much last time she met with us.

I handed her some pictures of the things we have been doing this summer. We talked about the pictures and told about some of the fun things we had been doing. Then I asked her what things she had been doing and what she had been doing since she came to Utah. Other questions I asked were about her 4 year old and if she could see any resemblance of her in Keegan. I feel I did a great job keeping the conversation light and away from what was to come in the next week. I was hoping she would ask.... something. She never asked me a single question the entire time. Infact, she seemed a bit angry with me. Why would she act this way? It was her idea to meet in the first place. As the night went on I was feeling more and more sad. Something is not right. But with 2 "guards" watching over us. And the fact that we were still on trial with the agency I couldn't bring myself to ask what was wrong. I wondered if perhaps we both were being told a different story. Was she told that we were still making a decision? Not to bring up the adoption because it would make us more stressed. Or worse. Was she changing her mind. Do you see why I am not sleeping at night?????? I can't stand the wait and the fear of us not getting this baby and have Jasmine mad at us forever is killing me. Ever want to tell someone the truth but you can't. It's HORRIBLE.

Anyway, the kids were angels. Daesha sat quietly eatting her ribs. She told Jasmine that she had drawn a picture for her but that she had left it at home. Keegan talked the whole time. He showed off his counting skills and warmed up to Jasmine a bit. At first it was cute to catch him looking at her from the corner of his eyes. She asked him how old he was. And also talked to him about his pizza and how he should eat his food and not play in it. Keegan acted like they were carrying on a conversation and replying with Yes's and No's and some jibberish in between. Keegan was totally adorable.

The night finally ended and I kindly asked Jasmine if she would be willing to take a photo with Keegan. She nodded Yes. I told her it would be best for her to take him out of his highchair because if I did he would not go to her. She stood there for a good minute then very hesitantly reached to him. He immediately reached for me. So I said let's try this.... I stood him on the highchair and stood back to take the picture. Jasmine would not touch him. She stood behind him. My heart was breaking. This night ended up being a bad idea. Maybe this whole thing is a very bad idea. :'(