The End Of This Topic

I am so over this whole feasco! I will make this post short just because I am done with it. I started out excited, then angry after the last post, and then I got excited again because we actually had a glimmer of hope in adopting this baby. Ya it's true. The agency was willing to work with us on the money. Then within hours we got shot down yet again. (this time by the birthmother) Don't worry. I am fine. We all are fine.
I know this baby has another plan for him and I am sure the family he goes to will love him very much.
I have been so amazed with everyone's love for us. I couldn't believe that a woman I had never met heard of our story. She generously contributed $800 of her own money to help with our next adoption. She brought it to my house herself. This has been a very enlightening experience. There is so much I have learned in the last couple weeks. I could list everything I have learned but like I said before I wanted to make this short and I am done wasting time and energy talking about it.

No Baby 4 Us

Why have a blog if I can't share my hopes, dreams, and thoughts about life as I know it. It's my life. It's MY journal. I could go private. But I choose not to. Once again it's My Blog. Those who know me know I try my hardest to get along with everyone. Which is why I specifically stated that it was my own thoughts and experiance. My husband Ted would probably have a completly different experiance than I did. Alas, the last post offended someone who works at the adoption agency. And so leads to the phone call I had been waiting for. And to my surprise it was a very heated conversation from the begining. I could easily say WE ARE NOT GETTING KEEGANS SIBLING BECAUSE WE DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY, And I would have, But I was advised not to state any more on my blog!
I was so shocked at the way I was being accused of lying and further more making me feel that this was all my fault. I will expound and share our conversation. Enjoy... Or not.
*** this is the symbol I have chosen as the one I am conversing with.



*** I have read your blog. The comment about calling us "guard dogs" was totally inappropriate. And offended us. Those girls are there for support. The reason why Jasmine is mad is because YOU have made her wait. We have told her that we are waiting for you to arrange your finances.
(ME) We have been trying to do that. And I am sorry that we did not have the money the minute you called. But you did agree to give us the time and I totally apologize for offending you. I stated at the beginning of my post that it was my own thoughts on the experiance. And when I called the caseworkers guards - not guard dogs I did not mean it as negative. I see that it would be seen as such but I was simply describing that I did not feel that I was able to express all that I was thinking.
*** Well, we have thought about this, taken hours of time and prayers to come up with a solution that will help you guys. We can take 5,000 off and subsadize the medical.
(ME) Aren't we responsible to pay the hospital on our own. We were planning on making payments to the hospital.
*** No. You must have the entire amount paid to the hospital on the day of relinguishment. So you are looking at a total of 25,000

(We expounded on that because I was confused as to what we needed all together)

(ME)So when I called you on Sunday and said we had 8,000 it was not even close?
*** What do you want from us? You are asking to get this baby for free. You want our workers to work for free? Would you want your husband to work for free?
(ME) All I wanted was a Yes or No. And I don't think 8,000 is free. It's more than 1/2 the agency fee.
*** This is the best we can do. No matter what we do we look like the bad guy.
(ME)Then I guess we are out. We can not come up with another 17,000.
*** OK. I hope that we will not see any more on your blog...
(ME, interupting) Well thats the beauty of having a blog and having the freedom to share what I am feeling. So NO you may not ask.. But I do want to ask you if I may see Jasmine again?
*** No. That will not be possible.
(ME) Why? I didn't get a chance to tell her myself. Unless she was told something else.

(The conversation was pretty tense up till now when all heck broke loose.)

*** Are you calling me a liar!!! Dont even accuse me of lying!!!!
(ME) No but you have accused me from the moment I picked up the phone.
(Not sure she heard me over her yelling so I yelled back)
YOUR CALLING ME A LIAR!!!

*** YOU KNOW WHAT CHANDRA!!!!!

And that's when I hung up the phone and cried.

I am glad Keegan was busy watching Wall-E and Daesha was sleeping on the couch.
I felt sick. Not because I had been yelled at (let me say she has a right to feel hurt by my blog. I can't help how someone else reacts. But I felt it was not professional and maybe I had taken it way too far by assuming Jasmine might have been mislead. But what else can I assume if I am not able to tell her myself??)

So as you may have guessed we will not be adding this little guy to our family. We plan on saving all that has been donated to our cause and put it in an adoption trust fund. We will have to save up for the next one. I knew that we had very little money. But stupid me for thinking this was a special situation and we would be given some breaks. Stupid me for having faith in humanity and being reminded that money is what rules the world.

DISCLAIMER:

All information is Chandra's opinion and should not be taken, copied or used without the expressed consent of the author.

Since I have opened up to our personal affairs lately I might as well keep it going. This post might seem a bit harsh but it is just my thoughts and my own experiance on last nights dinner appointment. I have been waiting for a phone call from the adoption agency for 52 hours. And it has seemed like 52 years. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Everytime someone asked about the yard sale or adoption I get that terrible lump in my chest that I have to keep down or I will start crying.

Yesterday, I got a phone call from Jasmines caseworker. I held my breath as she relayed information about Jasmine having a hard time here. She was missing her 4 year old daughter that she had left home. And she wanted to see Keegan. They wanted to know if we were able to meet for dinner. They felt this would help ease her stress. I said we would love to see Jasmine. After all, we might not get that chance while she is here if the agency chooses to say no to us. I couldn't help but wonder what kind of questions would come up with the adoption of this baby. So I asked the caseworker. She said that it won't be brought up. She just wants to see Keegan. In my mind I was wondering what they had told her. Did they tell her we were trying our hardest to get this baby? Did she realize we were only waiting to hear if the agency was willing to lower their costs so she could get her wish to have this baby in our home? This was going to be a very hard dinner appointment....

Ted had to work a bit overtime so he had to meet us in the Chilli's parking lot. As we walked in I smiled at Jasmine and the 2 caseworkers sitting with her at the table. I saw her look at Keegan and she had real pain in her eyes. She held it together and just stared at Keegan. I sat across from her and put Keegan in a highchair at the head of the table, between Jasmine and I. Daesha sat at the other side of me and Ted sat on the other side of Daesha. He basically was out of the loop. Which is fine because Jasmine didn't seem to like Ted much last time she met with us.

I handed her some pictures of the things we have been doing this summer. We talked about the pictures and told about some of the fun things we had been doing. Then I asked her what things she had been doing and what she had been doing since she came to Utah. Other questions I asked were about her 4 year old and if she could see any resemblance of her in Keegan. I feel I did a great job keeping the conversation light and away from what was to come in the next week. I was hoping she would ask.... something. She never asked me a single question the entire time. Infact, she seemed a bit angry with me. Why would she act this way? It was her idea to meet in the first place. As the night went on I was feeling more and more sad. Something is not right. But with 2 "guards" watching over us. And the fact that we were still on trial with the agency I couldn't bring myself to ask what was wrong. I wondered if perhaps we both were being told a different story. Was she told that we were still making a decision? Not to bring up the adoption because it would make us more stressed. Or worse. Was she changing her mind. Do you see why I am not sleeping at night?????? I can't stand the wait and the fear of us not getting this baby and have Jasmine mad at us forever is killing me. Ever want to tell someone the truth but you can't. It's HORRIBLE.

Anyway, the kids were angels. Daesha sat quietly eatting her ribs. She told Jasmine that she had drawn a picture for her but that she had left it at home. Keegan talked the whole time. He showed off his counting skills and warmed up to Jasmine a bit. At first it was cute to catch him looking at her from the corner of his eyes. She asked him how old he was. And also talked to him about his pizza and how he should eat his food and not play in it. Keegan acted like they were carrying on a conversation and replying with Yes's and No's and some jibberish in between. Keegan was totally adorable.

The night finally ended and I kindly asked Jasmine if she would be willing to take a photo with Keegan. She nodded Yes. I told her it would be best for her to take him out of his highchair because if I did he would not go to her. She stood there for a good minute then very hesitantly reached to him. He immediately reached for me. So I said let's try this.... I stood him on the highchair and stood back to take the picture. Jasmine would not touch him. She stood behind him. My heart was breaking. This night ended up being a bad idea. Maybe this whole thing is a very bad idea. :'(

The Adoption Nonsense..

Our attempt to adopt our son's sibling has been a lot of work. Luckily we have some completely amazing friends and family around to help us out. I am totally feeling the love as my closest friend Kim came up with this super idea! She sent these bottles along with this poem to family and friends that are dear and close to us.

I have a friend who is very dear to me
She is wanting to have baby number 3.

For one, a wish that runs so deep
Her child-- a home to safely keep
Another's wish so true & bold
A child to love & teach & hold.

The story is special and this one must be
It’s Keegan’s full sibling
So happy are we!!!!

Ted and Chandra’s baby is on the way
He will be born on Pioneer Day.

With such short notice
and recent unemployment
This baby could be
Another families installment!

This baby bottle is empty
But you can “change” that too
By placing your well wishes
In hopes that heaven will help
this dream come true!

Thank you!
Kim Adams

I just want to give many, many hugs to everyone. Those who donated time, possessions, money, and prayers to our family. I love you all sooo much. Your kindness makes me want to be a better person.
Through the last couple weeks I have been asked lots a questions about the fees and what we needed. Everyone has been careful not to ask personal questions about finances and such. But I feel that it is important to bring some light to the subject. Even if that means sharing our personal financial situation.
I will use our Daughter's adoption fees. Since she was our cheepest. Keep in mind this was 5 years ago and before the tax credit was raised last year. Which I believe some agencies raised there fees after the change. (tax credit now is 10,000. When we got Daesha it was 5,000)

Total amount to adoption agency = $11,500
This is the breakdown of those cost's..
**Birth Mother's Travel and Living Expenses = $3,500
(ours came to Utah from Philidelphia and stayed in Utah for 1 month)
Agency Fee = $ 6,000
This includes: all overhead and business related costs such as birthparent support and counseling including a caseworker who is the birthmothers support through the entire process. She is responsible for entertainment, transpertation to Dr's appointments, she is there for the entire delivery no matter how many hours it may be, grief counceling, and a probably more than I have knowledge in. Also included in the agency fees are legal documents by the state to terminate birthparent rights, interstate compact requirements (ICPC)**

Post Delivery assistance =$2,000
This is given to the birthmother upon leaving for home.

Hospital and OB bills. The hospital cut the bill 50% off if we payed in full the day we took our baby home. So we did that, and ended up paying $8,908.63.

Attorney Fees = $907

Post Placement fee or home study = 300.00

So our grand total was..... $21,615.63
If your curious what Keegan cost.. he was $25,768.95. His medical was a bit more because he was c-section and had medical complications.

I hate seeing the numbers because I think it is way too much. And coming up with that kind of money is hard. But really, the money doesn't even matter when it comes to my daughter and son. I could never put a price on them today. Even my terrible 2 year old. He's priceless.
Ted and I were told at the beginning that this baby is starting at 25,000 if no medical complications occured. Which looking at what we have payed in the past is fair. We said we would not be able to do that amount. But that we still wanted to try. They agreed to wait and see what we could come up with. So here we are...
We have money in an emergency account that holds a 2 month mortgage payment. It had 6months worth when we moved into this house but as you know we had to use some of that when Ted lost his job. We are not willing to dip into that money for the adoption. It is strickly used for mortgage payments only. And sadly we had a crappy savings account that was all used up for food and other bills while Ted was not working. So basically we have zero money to consider "buying" this baby. 2 months ago when I first heard of this baby Ted and I said, "there is just no way we could do it right now". But as the days went by I kept thinking about this baby. And I got the feeling that we had to try. I talked with Ted about it one night and he said he had been feeling the same way. That's when we realized we had to kick it to high gear!!!! And try our hardeset to get this baby. It has not been easy. We were turned down by the bank for a loan. Twice.
If this alone wasn't enough to raise my stress level to an all time high. Ted received a letter from an attorney. We are getting sued for an accident Ted was in last August. Insurance is working out the system right now. But really? When is it enough? Can I say "I give" yet?
Then we had a multi-family yard/bake sale. Our Ward is amazing! They allowed us to announce in church our story and our plans. We did some major advertising and had a HUGE yard sale. With the money bottles Kim did and the yard sale we are sitting at 4,479.35 today. The agency wanted us to call Saturday night to let them know what we had. So we did. I told them the amount and that I had a credit card that I was willing to use (Ted doesn't like this idea) it has a 3,000 limit. Can you believe they are making us wait even longer!!!! They will get back with us as soon as they have decided what to do.
Seriously I can't wait until this month is over!!! It has been the most stressful month ever!!!
But, I can still smile when I think of all those who love us and made yesterday such a success. Here are some pictures from the yard sale.

Daesha and Keegan sold suckers and lemonade. Daesha stayed at her post all day. She did a great job! Keegan ate raw hot dogs, ( he wont eat them cooked) Coke, and suckers all day.

We were up till 2 am setting everything up. This is the picture I took as soon as the sun was up. We advertised that we would start at 8. People were outside at 6. And started knocking at my door at 7. Crazy Yard Sale FREEKS!!! LOL

Here is the picture I took once the yard sale was over. It doesn't even look like much is gone!!!!!

What's it worth..

Is the question I am asking myself as I am going through stuff for our upcoming yard sale. Today I ran across my 80's charm collection!!!! Anyone remember these? LOL



I have some fun trading memories with these. I wore mine around with pride! Seriously, you would have thought I had diamonds around my neck instead of plastic googly eyed charms made in Taiwan.
I wondered if anyone would actually buy these. Or worse.. WEAR them.
My curiosity led me to E Bay where there are neclaces being sold anywhere from 10 to 20 bucks! But not a single one of them had this... It's the MOST treasured Accessory to every 80's charm collector. The ORGANIZER

Betcha I could get 20 bucks for the organizer. What do you think? :-)